Feb 5, 2012 I have Lyme disease

Several weeks ago was my 4th visit to see Doctor Z with my father. All in all it was a pleasant trip. I got a chance to see my sister who is working at San Francisco Theological Seminary, doing a lot of outdoor “nature” work. This time she was pulling out scotch broom a very common type of weed that pops up very quickly around the campus. Afterwards we ate at a very tasty Thai restaurant. As for the doctor visit, it was the usual, as I suspected it would be. The doc asked me if I felt any better from the regimen he had me on, the DHEA plus the thyroid medication. And I responded as I usually do- “I really don’t feel much different, doc. I feel fine, and have no side effects to complain of.” I can’t honestly say the medication is doing anything for me. How do you gauge whether something is helping you if you feel nothing from it, either positive or negative?

I guess the one big thing that I did discover shortly after the visit to the doctor was that unequivocally, I do have Lyme disease. This was somewhat of a surprise for me, as I have never had the typical symptoms of Lyme, and I don’t really believe it has contributed to my manic episodes over the years. I guess the Western Blot was not a foolproof test, but this one that I took recently has a much smaller margin of error. The link between Lyme disease and bipolar “syndrome,” as my father calls it, is a much stronger connection in my father’s mind than in my own. Since every single manic episode I’ve ever experienced has come about when I was obsessed with the “end” of the earth, the coming apocalypse and the rapture, in my mind a much stronger link exists between what I choose to focus on and any bipolar symptoms I might be experiencing: the lack in judgment, the religious grandiosity, the tangential thinking patterns.

I’ve really distanced myself from the Elijah character that I used to believe I was. I’m no longer interested in thinking about it, or regarding myself as a prophet. My desires have changed. I’d rather focus on more earthly matters, such as finding and keeping a desirable job, raising a family (perhaps with my girlfriend, if things continue progressing in a positive direction), and who knows, maybe someday having a home of my own. I’ve spoken with my former sales manager who worked with me at Southwestern Book Company, and he says he would be willing to work with me again at a supplemental health insurance company.

I’ve decided that I want to hold down a regular job for at least a year, maybe two, staying out of the hospital, and after that, I think I will be up for the challenge that working for Family Heritage represents. It would be a very challenging job, working on a 100% commission basis, where I would be paid directly for my efforts, and how successfully I run my business. My sale’s manager has always been a motivator for me, and I know he could help me find success with the company.

My dad thinks that if I make progress against Lyme and other infections, I may not need as much medication, and tells me that the long term some of the psychotropic medications I’m on are harmful to one’s overall health, and he may be right. I always feel like I could go off meds and be fine when I am feeling well. But I am still aware how fast things can change, and added stress can be a factor in causing another manic breakdown. That’s the last thing I want. I don’t mind losing 5 to 10 years of life if it means I can have a healthy life of normalcy today.

To be honest I don’t mind if I don’t live much past eighty. I honestly have very little fear of death. I know life is eternal, something deep down inside me tells me that, and now that I am here, a living breathing human being, I have to imagine God wouldn’t just create us and then destroy our consciousness forever, our whole lives being lived in vain. I used to dread hell, and think I was going there, but I honestly don’t believe God will send me there because I messed up a few times in life. What kind of a dictatorial tyrant would he be if he damned people who genuinely desired to spend eternal life with him in heaven? I’m not obsessed with God as I used to be, and I actually think it has made my life calmer, now that I’m not worried about him watching my every move, just waiting for me to screw up so he can send me into a place of eternal fire. I know this doesn’t have much to do with my visit to the doctor, but it’s something that’s been on my mind a bit, and this is my blog, so I’ll write about what I want. If you are reading this, I hope so far you have been interested by this little story, and enjoy reading both my and my father’s perspectives on my own health. Until next time. Peace out.